


Something soft and soaked in pain

by fairytalelights



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Wizards of Waverly Place
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-04-01 02:14:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4001998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairytalelights/pseuds/fairytalelights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco is looking for ways to forget, Alex helps him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something soft and soaked in pain

The first time Draco wants to forget what happened in the last few years, he tries looking for spells.

But he's too scared to try anything on himself, too scared that he would end up like Gilderoy Lockhart and not remember anything and there isn't anyone he trusts enough to do it for him, so he looks for other ways.

There are a few potions that work just like alcohol, but none of them give him what he wants, none of them make him forget people dying in front of him and Voldemort's cold, snarky voice in his ear, telling him to torture and kill and hurt and none of the potions make him forget the screams.

 

He's living at home again, because he has nowhere else to go. He doesn't really have a degree, he would have to get back to school for that, which he just _can't_ do.

So there is nothing to do and nothing to drown out the screams in his head, nothing to drown out his own screams when he wakes up at night.

The first few times it happens his mother comes rushing in, trying to comfort him, trying to help, but there is nothing she can do when her son, who was screaming minutes ago, just stares silently at the wall and refuses to go back to sleep.

She doesn't come in anymore.

 

It hurts the most when he's sleeping, so he stops, constantly living in a state of tiredness, catching naps in random intervals during the day, but never enough, never long enough to get the chance to dream.

 

Blaise Zabini drags him to a party where the music is too loud and it's too hot and Draco isn't even sure where he is right now.

There's a pretty girl next to him who offers him a joint and says, “Ever tried Muggle drugs?”

He nods, because wizard drugs are dangerous shit and the ministry would never let kids get away with them, so they have to take what they can get.

At some point he goes to sit outside with the girl whose name is apparently Alex and she talks about random shit he can't listen to, because he tries to inhale as much of the drug as he can.

It makes him relaxed, but it doesn't make him forget and he's disappointed. Alex must have seen it in his face, because she stops mid-sentence, then she laughs bright and clear and says, “If you needed something stronger, all you had to do was ask. First one's for free.”

She presses a few colourful pills into his hand and he swallows them dry.

After a few minutes the whole room gets brighter and the pink streaks Alex has in her hair begin to glow and Draco forgets everything besides the girl next to him.

She doesn't complain when he starts kissing her forcefully, instead she leads him into one of the bedrooms and takes her shirt off while casting a locking spell on the door.

 

When Draco wakes up it's still dark and the girl next to him is gone, but there's a note next to him saying _call me when you need to forget again xx_ and her phone number is written underneath it.

He takes it and holds on to it when his mother asks where he's been, panic in her voice. He doesn't answer her and goes up to his room again, sitting in his room in silence.

For the first time he doesn't only think about blood and dead bodies, he also thinks about the feeling of not feeling anything for a few hours and he doesn't want to go back to the nightmares tonight, so he texts Alex.

 

She gives him an adress and it's another party, but this time he brought money.

Money he technically doesn't have anymore, because his family is still awaiting trial and Draco is pretty sure everything is gonna be taken from them.

But right now it's still there and it gets him drugs from Alex and tonight they don't have sex, they just dance to music that isn't really anything besides loud, but it's just loud enough to drown out the noises in Draco's head.

 

He doesn't call her again for two weeks because he doesn't wanna seem pathetic, but he doesn't know anyone else who can hit him up with Muggle drugs, so he calls again and somehow it becomes a regular thing.

She never suggests bringing the drugs over and he doesn't ask. On some nights they have sex and on some they don't.

Sometimes Alex disappears with another guy, most of the time someone who looks at her with a sly grin and a small bag of white powder in his hands. Draco knows it's coke, knows how it feels, but the coke makes the pain more intense, so he doesn't ask for it anymore.

Alex makes him try other things, like crystals and mushrooms, but they are not right for him, not the right kind of drug to drown out the kind of pain he feels. She says she doesn't go near needles, so he only tries the sort of heroine that's less intense – according to her – but he doesn't like it nearly as much as he does the pills, so Alex starts only giving him those again.

 

On some nights they talk and he learns that she's from America, New York, which explains her weird modern looking wand. When he asks what she's here for, she throws her head back and laughs and for a moment he's not sure if it's her that wants to laugh or the drugs that make her.

“Living,” she simply replies, opens up her arms and does a little twirl. They are on some rooftop and Draco would be more worried, but they are wizards and they are not gonna fall down and crash.

He has a feeling there's more to her story than she let on, but her smile is bright and the moonlight makes her hair shine and he doesn't want to ask about sad stories right now, he just wants to kiss her.

He does and he doesn't tell her about the bodies he sees behind his eyes, but sometimes he thinks she already knows.

 

His family worries, but they don't have enough power over him to really change anything. No one does anymore, no one is important enough to get through to him besides himself. But Draco doesn't want to stop, so he's not trying.

 

One evening Alex texts him an adress and there is no party or loud music when he arrives, just her in casual clothes with her hair undone and she smiles when she leads him into the apartment. It says _Alexandra Russo_ on the sign next to the doorbell.

Draco is pretty sure she got high earlier without him, but it's the first evening where he doesn't feel the need to do the same. There are no stars behind his eyes when he kisses her and nothing is bright and nothing shines, but his hands feel real in her hair and her lips don't taste like smoke and alcohol. He doesn't know if it's a good feeling, but it's a new one.

 

Alex doesn't text him adresses anymore, he just comes over sometimes and doesn't leave for a while. He's always careful not to leave any clothes at her place and sometimes she leaves while he's there and comes back with red kissed lips and a package of pills in her hands. They take them together and Draco doesn't ask if she got a discount on them for sleeping with the dealer, even though on some days he wants to.

 

His mother throws him cold looks on the days he's home, because he still doesn't talk and Draco can imagine it's difficult for her, having a son who doesn't talk and constantly disappears and a husband who doesn't apologize.

He just doesn't know what to tell her.

Maybe that he's met a girl who can make the pain disappear for a few hours. He doesn't have to tell her that she does it by giving him Muggle drugs half the time and by distracting him with sex the other half.

Maybe he's just gonna tell her the part where sometimes he doesn't get high and they don't have sex, but he still sleeps without nightmares.

 

Things don't get easier, but they change. Muggle drugs are designed to be addictive for Muggles, but Draco researches and finds out that the effect lessens for wizards after a while.

Maybe that's why Alex is taking more and more pills every night and tries new things every time. “You're good at potions, right?” she whispers into his ear one evening. He must have mentioned that at some point, but he shakes his head vehemently. “I'm not doing wizard drugs,” and that's the end of that discussion.

Alex' body can't get addicted to Muggle drugs, but her mind certainly can, so she searches for new ones and she takes more risks to get them.

Draco doesn't feel like he needs to take them anymore to drown out the screams, because on some days Alex' lips on his are enough to make him think about long mornings and coffee and moonlight on rooftops instead of dead bodies and crumbling walls.

 

“What are you trying to forget?” Draco asks.

They are on a rooftop again, because Alex still loves parties and she still meets her dealers here. Draco doesn't think she had sex with one of them in a long time.

“I thought you didn't want to know.” She doesn't say it like an accusation, more like a neutral observation.

“I do now.”

“Someone died. I couldn't handle it, so I ran.” She takes a drag of the joint, then exhales it into Draco's mouth. “What about you?” Draco didn't think she would ask, so he's surprised when she does.

“A lot of people died and I wasn't able to run.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah.”

 

They don't really define what they are. Time passes and things change and maybe they still don't get easier, but maybe they get better.

Draco goes to classes in the evening to get his degree and Alex opens up an art gallery and rents the apartment that comes with it.

It's big, so it's only logical that they share rent for it (which Draco makes from working in a Muggle book shop down the street and Alex laughs at him for it constanly, but she looks happy every time she comes to visit him at work and requests obscure wizard books for him to order.)

 

He can't really imagine Alex coming over for dinner to meet his parents, but he also can't silently move out, so he tells his parents and sees his mother smile for the first time in a year.

Alex is lovely at dinner and besides the bit of pink in her dark brown hair, nothing about her says “I made your son take Muggle drugs for a few months,” so his parents like her, even though she's half-blood. Maybe the war has taught them something after all.

He avoids calling her his girlfriend and they don't tell each other “I love you” for a very long time, but somehow it works.

Draco still wakes up screaming on some nights and Alex has a photo of a dead boy in her drawer, but they are okay, or at least as okay as they can be.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "The Judge" by twenty one pilots.  
> This is for Mina, because she likes to read fanfics about Draco Malfoy that don't actually involve any other Harry Potter characters.  
> (I'm here on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/fairytalelights) and on [Tumblr](https://lookslikefairytale.tumblr.com), if you wanna say hi.)


End file.
